At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's blow job season.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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