I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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