And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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