I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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