So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
