My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
