i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
