i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
