Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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