Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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