Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
