I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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