apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
