well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
