I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
