I can't watch pbs sober anymore
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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