i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
