"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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