So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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