Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
