Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
