apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
