if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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