What did we do last night that was yellow?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize