god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize
