my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
