I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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