why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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