So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
