just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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