I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
