Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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