it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
