I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
