I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
