Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
