i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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