I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm going to jail i love you
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
