had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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