Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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