My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think I sprained my soul last night
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
