I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
