I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
