you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
