Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
