This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
