Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
