Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
