Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
