I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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