My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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