You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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