I think my vagina is haunted
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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