Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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