I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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