so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
