He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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