I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
