Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
