I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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